I think I’ve really changed.
My writings aren’t what they used to be before. I almost have fewer fears, lesser boundaries and less of an inclination to bother about how the next person perceives me. I doubt that it accounts for maturity, I don’t claim it at all.
It feels like a travesty of my own making, except that in his case I wholly find it to be congenial. My prognosis is that I was previously thoroughly tangled up in religion and all that comes with it. I won’t say it was my problem, I’m merely saying it was a part of the problem. My inner rebel and free thinker suddenly became so dominant all at once that I couldn’t fit in with my religious persona anymore.
My mother sees it and I sense that it scares her. I don’t blame her at all. Years of plunging a failing indoctrination must burn.
In all utmost honesty without shame, I’ve had to lie and pretend nothing has changed about me. I fail, regardless and try again the next day. What do I have to lose, you ask? Well, I used to be considerably religious and in all fairness I somehow feel that this came with a supreme amount of ‘respect’, even from my extended family. Now I guess they regard me as fool’s gold! Any attempt at expressing my new age views on enlightenment is met with chants about how ignorant I am.
This isn’t a rant, Dear Reader, nor is it a complaint. If you are like me you will find the problem that I have minutely hinted at. My writings are more authentic and truthful than they have ever been. You will find no sign of pretense and exclusion in my words. Religion has its perks,but for me these were not enough to bring me to the peace I searched for, especially when I lost my father. The circumstances of his death are probably all the more reason for me to chase after enlightenment. This is not a ‘phase’ I will outlive. I feel rather happy and at peace in this state. It’s the lie I chose to live with but still not completely defend. We all know nothing and this reality dawns on us the more that we live through each day. As a matter of fact, I undoubtedly believe that there is something to learn from everybody. The goal is goodness, isn’t it, Dear Reader?
I call myself a ‘free-thinker’ and have been called the same by others but how free am I really? With the nonchalance I ooze, who’s to say that the government, priest, Facebook troll, even that nosy neighbour will let me be free? Is it a freedom I possess within my own bubble or is it one granted by everyone making acquaintance with me?
One would chip in now and say that I have it all wrong. That I misunderstand the term and that free thinking means independence from societal norms, belief systems and fragmentations of some social institutions. They would also go on to point out that free thinking is an ability that very few possess because of deep indoctrinations that humanity gains in their diverse communities. I would find myself agreeing with all these because its pretty much accurate. After this, I would then wait, because I am aware of the various questions and situations that are to come that will bring me yet to the question of freedom. At that point I will then be forced to assess the extent of my own ignorance in order to measure my intelligence.