Wrong Crack

My struggles with “Freedom”

My first spliff sent me nowhere far. The concept of it did, however, make me reach skyscraper heights. But only the midget ones. She thought ingestion would do the trick with me. Boy was I tricked! It’s far from shocking what a bowl full of chocolate cereal marinated with weed can do to you. I know what ‘numb’ means and I am well aware that I love being in control now. I fell into it obliquely and twistedly, much like an afternoon dream. In one moment everything slowed down, it felt magical…truly.

My movements fascinated me the most. I felt like I could do anything,, but mostly burn because it was a very hot afternoon, or late morning, I can’t be sure. And then ‘he’ arrived. I had absolutely no memory of any date being set for that day…whatever day it was. My concept of time was thoroughly boggled up. All I did was smile sheepishly at him as he walked towards me. With my brain all jumbled up I felt an irritation with myself for the state I was in.

He spoke to her in a reprehensive tone about our toxicating actions. He also expressed censure and I could tell he had really looked forward to meeting me again. A trickle in between my legs made me shiver slightly so I moved closer to him, placed my hands on his chest and let my other hand wander to his bulge.

He smirked and asked if I wanted it. I studied his face, as if I understood something ethereal shared between us. With a terribly deliberate bite of my lower lip and a careful avoidance of his eyes, I giggled, as if pre-practised, and whispered that I was on my period. My subconscious got me out of that one. My sexual nature almost knows no boundaries. I remember him pressing me against the bolted door and planting an impassioned hard kiss on my pre-parted wet lips then proceeding to pushing me gently aside so he could leave.

She inquisitioned him on why he was leaving and he muttered that I was as good as a zombie. The sound of these words furthered my fall off the cliff of sanity and the rest of the day became a solid blur. My fight with a dis-ease of my own making brought me to a number of conclusions about myself. First, I hate drugs. And second, I love drinking. Most argued that this was my first trial and I cannot assume a stand yet but I strongly disagree.

With control-freak tendencies it is intensely frightening to be drugged and restrained to an anonymous reality. I realise that now. Then again, perhaps I overdid it. Whatever the case maybe, smoking is not my forte. Overstimulation did not drive me, although I must admit, it took me a distance I still thirst for even to this second. I suspect that this is the form in which addictions are packaged. How does the story end? Well, I resuscitated from the bad trip the very next day after a death-like slumber. I have no memory of food consumption, neither did my memory recall serving my body any recreational duties. It felt like being locked in a world where the world was not searching for meanings to our existence. This scared me meticulously but I still found my common sense in a common bottle.

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Full on Empty

I’m a little afraid of loosing
I’m a little afraid of choosing
My intuition has stuck on an arrow
Cupids bow struck me,almost missed by a narrow
I’m afraid of loosing
I’m afraid of choosing
I’ve become terrible at shutting my mouth
My heart too has taken its stand
Will it be this that breaks my soul again?
Will I again find solace and comfort on the floor…my kitchen floor.
I have been in love too long
Yet felt the want of it strong.
Loosing…
Choosing…
Do I love too much?
Do I ask too much?
Have I become too far gone?
Have I trudged too far,too long?
I know I find peace in my inner
The fear within me starts to get thinner
I sigh and hear purple
This poem has just gotten lost
But i swear love scares me
Yet the sight of him braves me.
I.Am.With.Love.
It.Is.In.Me.

Wait A Minute.

How are we so minute?
Are we time itself,or we simply await it?
To what ends do we lean on hope?
Does it truly serve us well?
Are we content?
Are we happy?
Waters dry up,but they are not minute.
Atleast not yet.
Mountains grow bigger or smaller but wither they do not.
Do we die as a signal that we have failed to be the one?
The one to concort the solution.
Will I find solace with the waves guiding me?
My matter ,is it just of time?
Or time is the matter.
I find humor in the pleasure my matter brings
My soft,pink and wet matter
My sense of seriousness fails me
Perhaps there is a power there
Shall I be the one?
Perhaps we will now win
Then time won’t be the matter
But for now,
It’s only a matter of time
We are only a matter of time.

D & P

I could say we painted the city red

Got more violent with every word that he said

I clutched his fighting body with my soft long legs

He dug into me deep,yet he also feeled me up

Our fingers entwined, our lit souls combined

My breasts lightly shook,my bottoms in his hands he took

With all of me hardened and my watermelon soft

He hungrily took a bite and in that instant my soul was bought

I sit on his hard and suddenly all is right

The sensation drives him spiraling And I too am sent coming…

Coming to my senses,

Coming to my lenses,

Coming on my menses!

The oil purifies us and we dip in its erotica

I feel his dozen heartbeats when he’s behind me

I feel all our pasts behind us,the pain,the melancholy

I’m a loud one,and he’s attractive.

I’m so turned on my mind switches off

I don’t become animal, I mould into soul

He plays with me twice on this bed

I forget everything I ever found sad

He plays me twice on the bed

A fiercely passionate guitar tune sets off in my head

We’re left exhausted by the romance in our loins

We smile and clutch tighter…

We smile and the new fear sinks deeper

Yes,my love,such creators we are

We made fucking love tonight!

We fucking made love tonight!

If I wrote myself a letter. 

If i wrote myself a letter…

Miss Dee just turned eleven

Still so many presents

Hold on to that tshirt coz Daddy worked till seven

At that Highrise Estate

Came home to you instead

Hug better be tighter,girl i hope this time you listen

To all of his chant and rants

They’ll echo when he can’t

Didn’t think it be so soon and that you’d have to change your name

But baby this man is proud of you

Saw you for your value

You always have your face plastered to a book

Later you’ll paint,write more and even cook

Your head got harder,my oh my,how you’ve grown

Your freedom deepens the farther from home you’re blown

Dont neglect the times you lose yourself within your being

You’ll need to build a foundation for that basecamp

Your taste in music stays odd,get used to it

Don’t tell but you might have tried weed

Granma isn’t who she is to you now

Keep a watchful eye ,anyway,it will count

And Ellen…that’s your name now

It’ll be spoken in joy,anger and pain…foul

To the one who finds me. 

To the person who finds me…

May you not find me sprawled on the floor from exhaustion of calling out for help

Lessen your haste when my voice bawls,crackles and finally dies out from the shallowness of depth

Let me not find your counternance concorted from view of my exposed purple dry tongue

At least save me the unfelt shame of an ugly expression to the stop of my lung

Do,however,hasten before maggots make flesh fudge out of my once glorious body

Allow none to remember only the memory of my rotting brain and faded glory

To you who has found me…

May i not be the first you have found

Instead may you be already thoroughly broken

So much that our meeting won’t leave a mark.

The successful passing of scheduled weddings and birthdays

Of slowly passed eye gazes of love and fully experienced weekdays

Find me when you have seen all that is beautiful and appreciated it

Find me when you have felt the sun on your face

And closed your eyes affectionately to a lover’s embrace 

But mostly when you have smelt the scent of coffee and a lonely flower in the park

And taken long deep breaths as you stare at the full moon in the dark

Now that we have found each other

Forgive my lack of action,it is not voluntary

I probably would find you quite appealing 

If my eyes weren’t staring glassily at the ceiling

The warmth of my body won’t,however, return with this blanket you have covered me with

But I am grateful for the protective thought

Don’t let my loved ones see me like this

My enemies might find peace

The war is over now,anyway.

Fair fight!

Do not wonder whether i could have

I still wouldn’t

Whatever you do…

Make sure I do not end in the sea

Or receive licks from the flames.

Love lessons from the Moon. 

To my dearest Alien… 
Round, white and bright 

Tell me just what I’ve done right 

At times clouds hover under me at night 

Other times big metal human birds in flight 
I understand my lack of cheerfulness sometimes 

I understand because I see the grief in you it finds 

I see my sandy bright reflection in your eyes 

And notice your eager patience when the clouds me do hide 
To my Big Bright Sandy 
I want your shine to be only for me 

Every morn’ and every noon you’re the dazzle I wish to see 

What you’ve done right are the sprinkles in the sky 

And your acknowledgement that they are all mine. 
I see you fighting off the gloom 

Though life gets busy in all these rooms 

I appreciate you hovering around up there 

And pushing light in me when I get too scared 
To my dearest Alien… 
The sprinkles have indeed done their work fine 

Others of your kind with the sprinkles do spend time 

Men in white suits have ruffled my sands 

Charmed you know this but still never change 
I am aware that you get tired down 

But since the beginning of time, my love for you I’ve held down 

Won’t you come out to meet me, dear one? 

Of you get too cold, I promise you the Morning Sun! 

To Bright Sandy.
My heart is weary tonight 

I shan’t glamour in your light Oh how I hate to be a bother! To a lover being loved by another. 
The sprinkles still hold true to their sight 

They even seem to multiply in the dead of night 

My sights are still drawn to you so,Sandy 

But my heart cannot share in the feast of plenty. 
To my dearest Alien… 
I cannot fathom the hurt in your chest 

But I am unseeing of where we’ve gone wrong 

Let me soothe your soul with a Shakespearean verse 

Any loving you need, I promise I’ll make it last long. 
My adoration by another, 

Means positively naught of my lover 

I find your jealousy strangely appealing 

But do not let it scar you till you despise healing. 
Dear Sandy.
Your words are what mean naught 

How can I be sure you are all I thought? 

I require a love made only for I 

When you vow your love, all I do is sigh… 
My jealousy is a sign of affection 

Surely I can’t be wrong to desire your full attention? 

Why must you be for everyone? 

When I want only you and none? 
To my dearest Alien… 
I do not understand the love of your kind 

Nothing but selfishness and clutching all it finds 

Treasure my sand and quit searching for crystals 

Why must you find fault in all life’s mishaps? 
Your insecurities go beyond reason 

Love truly doesn’t come in seasons 

Believe in the love that stays And you’ll find your heart won’t stray.